It's been awhile since my last post. I told myself I would update this on a monthly basis but it's been a little hectic these past couple months. I'm going to be better because I think it will really be special for you to read this when you're all grown up.
So what have mom and dad been up to lately?
First of all, I was able to change the header of this blog! Woohoo! Mommy is now a third year radiology resident and your daddy is now a orthopedic chief resident! We're getting closer to being finished and hence, the title of today's entry! What? I can't believe it! You are now almost 19 months old and in less than 11 months, the day I've been looking forward to since you've been born is approaching.
First of all, I want to go into details about what you are up to in your life recently. You are becoming quite the talker. You have added some English to your vocabulary. Some recent words include baby, bye and hi! Some new Koreans words includes dark (you say ggam gaam), which you say when we turn off the lights, mung mung (for dog), bird, ball and po guh (which means it is po's, which you picked up from us saying that when you try to steal all of po's toys!). You are down to one nap a day. You sleep a great ten hours at night. You've always been a great sleeper! Here are some photos :)
You love making funny faces!
You went to baby bible camp with grandma and this is from your last day where you had your first stage experience! So sad I missed it. :(
I absolutely love it when you hold my hand!
We recently went to the beach!
We are still going to gymboree classes!
You are becoming quite your own person. You are so smart. You definitely know what you want and definitely have no problem letting us know. You know that your daddy is the weakest link and when you want TV time or ice cream time, you approach him first. You have him even more wrapped around your finger it's ridiculous.
You had your first visit to San Diego since your last visit when you were only 6 weeks old! It was great. We're bringing you again this weekend and we're going to the zoo! I spent the past 3 months making your little girl room and it has made me so happy to set it up again.
|On our way to San Diego!|
First time in your San Diego little girl bed!
I remember distinctly coming back from maternity leave and the pain of taking down your crib. I remember being OCD and buying things such as a bumbo seat and high chair while you were still inside mommy. I remember bringing these things to grandma's as you would need them as you got older. I felt as if the physical reminders that I had a daughter were disappearing one by one.
There is a hole in my heart for every moment I am not with you. The first year of your life was very difficult for me. Most people believe it's simply sleep deprivation when I mention just how hard it was in the beginning. It was so much more than that. It was the cause of sleep deprivation, which I find hard to explain due to the unique situation you and I are in. It was the overwhelming guilt that I felt that I was not fulfilling my duties as your mother.
It took me a very long time to truly believe that completing my residency and leaving you with grandma was ultimately the best choice for both you and me. As the days get closer to you being with me permanently and as I get a taste of life with you as your primary caregiver, I feel the hole getting slightly smaller. I believe rebuilding your room into a little girl's room was one baby step to making me feel complete again.
It was simply divine watching you sleep in your room. I would just stare at you as you napped and before I knew it, my eyes filled with tears. For the first time, I had tears of joy. I have spent a good amount of your life filled with tears of heartache, guilt and pain. But now, I am going to spend the rest of these less than eleven months with a different approach.
Thanks to your grandma and my mom, you have grown up into such a happy and healthy almost nineteen month old. You have surpassed all of my expectations and life without you is now unimaginable.
I try to think about what would have happened if I hadn't met your dad and how then there wouldn't be you and then there wouldn't be our family. I can't imagine it. Our family consumes my every thought and being your mom brings me the utmost happiness. I realized due to my guilt and my fears of letting you down, I have not allowed myself to enjoy the true joy of motherhood, which is simply being in love with being a mom.
I experienced this feeling during your weekend in San Diego. As I watched you sleep and through my tears, I had an epiphany! I, Geraldine Chang, am defined by being your mom and that makes me so incredibly happy. I am so honored to be your mom and I can't wait to watch you grow up.
I really can't wait baby bear! But there are some more important hurdles I need to get by first! I'm applying to fellowship currently and I'll hopefully find out where I'll (We'll) be going by October. Your daddy is going to Yale for spine surgery. I am so proud of him! We both need to take boards. I'll be taking mine in June and he'll be taking his in July. I already have 2 potential pre-schools lined up for you. My last year of residency is going to be great. I'm petrified and so excited at the same time!
I am going to be a "single" mom doing residency with a 2 and half year old. But patience is a virtue. I suck at it but I know in our case, patience has won. I couldn't be happier with the way you are growing up and residency is going well for both me and your dad.
We're getting there. You'll be here with me in less than 11 months! Daddy will be done with fellowship in 2 years. I promise you after that, we are never ever going to be separated!
I love you to the moon and back baby girl!!!